JOKES ........

[demodave216]

A distraught woman goes to her gynecologist. When the doctor asks her what is wrong, she says, "Remember the hormones you gave me? Well, look what happened!"

She unbuttons her blouse and reveals her chest, completely covered with hair. The doctor is aghast. He says, "I've never seen anything like this. How far down does it go?"

She says, "All the way down to my penis! And that's the other thing we have to talk about!"

[demodave216]

What did the bra say to the hat?

"You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift."

[demodave216]

What does it mean when your wife is in bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

[demodave216]

and in honor of Caitlyn Jenner......................

After a long night buying a foxy woman drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home. After the walk to the door, the woman asked Joe in for a nightcap. One thing led to another and before you know it, Joe was naked.

After making great love Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer.", she said.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded Joe bewildered.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

Say it ain't so Bruce!!!  

[demodave216]

Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and Sex Education on the same day in Middle East?

They don't want to wear out the camel.

[demodave216]

Why doesn't Mexico have a competitive Olympic team?

Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

[demodave216]

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of a Mexican telecom tycoon, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ’Give me Liberty, or give me Death?’ "

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said ’Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth’ "?

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Pedro.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I’m gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinski, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you."

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

[demodave216]

What do you call a 300-pound woman with a yeast infection?

A whopper with cheese.

[demodave216]

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

[demodave216]

This just in, they have a lead on one of the 2 men that escaped from prison in New York. Apparently he broke into a house to look for money and guns, but found a young couple in bed. He ordered the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, I think this guy is one of those escape convicts, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, be strong. I love you too!"

[demodave216]

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

Little girls says, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

[demodave216]

A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically, so he asked his dad.

His dad said, "Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000." He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes".

"Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question." He did and came back and said, "She said yes."

And the dad said, "Now go ask your brother the same thing." He did and came back and said, "He said yes too!"

And the dad said, "Well hypothetically we're sitting on three million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 whores and a freak!"

[demodave216]

Tyrone asked his work buddy Robert one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every
day?"

Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my
wife every morning before work."

Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to
make love to him every morning.

"That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this
little poem that I made up. She loves it! It goes like this:

Blonde hair, blonde hair, eyes so blue,
I love waking up and making love to you!"

Tyrone was all like, "Man, you white guys is so
dang sentimental an' sh!t...."

But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try,
so he spent the rest of the day thinking up a poem for his wife. The
next day Tyrone showed up to work just all beat to hell; bruised eyes,
broken nose, fat lip, the works.

Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!"

Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and
tried your advice, that's all. I just told her a poem...."

"Well, what poem did you tell her?" Tyrone told
him:

"Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, If I
could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog!"

[demodave216]

A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day when he comes across a very old bottle. He's just dusting it off when two rather tired looking genies pop out "Two genies!" he exclaims. "That must mean six wishes!"

"Sorry, buddy, it's three or nuthin'," say the genies, "and hurry up".

The guy makes his three wishes and races off home to see if they've been granted.

He gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he finds the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him.

After hours of mad, passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed and walks into the living room where he is knee deep in $1000 bills. The guy can hardly believe his luck.

Just then there is a knock at the door. He rushes over to open it, when two hooded KKK members throw a rope around his neck and string him up naked until he is dead.

The two then take off their white hoods to reveal that they are, in fact, the two genies, both looking rather puzzled.

The first genie turns to the second and says, "I can understand the beautiful woman and all the money in the world, by why on earth would you want to be hung like a black man?"

   

[demodave216]