JOKES ........

[shake]

The Footless Parrot

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy is browsing in a pet shop,
and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder
what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this
way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered
me!'

'I got every word,' says the
parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'.

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you
hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says,
'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie
around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You
really can understand, and can speak English, can't
you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and
English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics,
religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You
really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford
that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot,
'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably
get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense
of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands
everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, ''Psssssssssssst,' and
motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell
you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS
man.'

'What are you talking about,?'
asks the guy.

'When the UPS
man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black
nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and
began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down
on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

[STROMI 121]

So, there is this 13 year old boy who is messing around with his new girlfriend. He is not sure what to do so that night he asks his Father for advice. His dad says, do whatever you want but don't touch that thing between her legs because it has teeth and will bite you. So the next day, the boy is messing around with his girlfriend again and she puts his hand down there. He yanks his hand back. She asks, what is your problem? He explains what his dad has said. She says that he is crazy, here have a look. After a thorough inspection the boy comes up. She says, see! I told you there was no teeth. The boy replies, there probably would be if you took better care of your gums.

[82BOSS]

A woman arrived at a party & while scanning the guests she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him smiled and said,

"Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen." "What's your name?" she asked.

He answered "B.J. Titsenguns."

[demodave216]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor.. Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’ After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’ ‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies. ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

[429]

Boyfriend and girlfriend are driving down the highway,get into a argument and she rips his weiner off and throws it out the window and it sticks to the window of the car behind them. this man and women and their little girl was in the car and the girl asked her daddy what that was and dad replied oh honey it was just a bug and she said dang he had a big d!!k didnt he!

[demodave216]

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

[demodave216]

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long. "Let me show you," says the captain. He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it. 

"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."

The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns. 

"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"

"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."

"Why not Thursday?"

"That's your day in the barrel."

[Wolf]

Whats the dirtiest thing ever said on television??


Ward, I think you were a little hard on the beaver last night.

[Wolf]

Whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?





1 less drunk person.

[XtremeMopar#307]

A little girl runs up to her mom and says "mommy mommy my monkey is growing hair!" The mom replied "yes that is going to happen, it's part of growing up."... The little girl then runs up to get big sister "sis my monkey is growing hair!"... The sister replied, " that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas!"

[cowdoc]

Little dude comes home, asks dad to help him understand the difference between theory and reality. Dad tells him to go ask his mom if she'd sleep with Obama for a million dollars and the little guy reports back that she said hell yeah. Really? says dad. well go ask your sister the same question which he does and comes back. She said she'd do it too dad but I still dont understand theory vs reality. Well, says dad. It's like this. In theory we're sitting on $2 million but in reality we're living with a couple sluts!

[woysracing]

What do you get when a fat women walks past a double wide. a triple wide

[82BOSS]

I went to a demolition derby the other day.

There were gasps of "OOH" and "AAH" as the crowd watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had the crowd covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.

It was a good half hour worth of entertainment, but in the end, my wife got the car parked and we watched the show.

[82BOSS]

Dudes will go to the end of the world for some pussy.

I'm sure Christopher Columbus discovered America trying to find some hoe's house.

[derrbyman96]

Welding Gloves....pfft !
You mean Bitch mittens